A Piece of Mind…
On World Mental Health day, Aiden Truss, from the RAD’s Marketing and Communications team opens up about his battle with depression, suicidal thoughts, and struggling to be ‘normal’ every day. He also shares his coping strategies and offers some advice on how to keep going while dealing with the worst aspects of the disorder.
To put it plainly, I live with clinical depression. I don’t say I suffer from it (though I do), but it’s so much part of my life and personality now that I don’t remember a time before it. To a large degree, it is who I am. It’s the cloudy lens through which I see the world and distorts almost every interaction I have into something that has to be navigated rather than just accepted for what it is.
Depression is not about just feeling sad. It means times when I wake and don’t want to get out of bed – disappointed that the sun has come up once more and that I have to go through another day of being me again. Days when a word, a phrase, a piece of music can leave me in a blubbing mess of tears, and days when I can barely bring myself to say a word to anyone – even to those closest to me. It forces me to retreat inside myself and dwell on the worst of everything and makes me terrified of any sort of even minor confrontation. And it can last anywhere from a few days to weeks at its worst.
‘No, but you’re the smiley bloke who’s always joking around, saying inappropriate things, and writing those funny poems!’ I hear you in my inner dialogue exclaiming with incredulity.
‘Yes’, I reply to you, my imaginary friends (while at the same time wondering who let you into my head), ‘I am indeed that person, and every day is a struggle to a greater or lesser degree to be normal’. By that, I mean to keep a sense of perspective. I mean to not lose myself in morbid thoughts or to take exception to an innocent comment. And I mean to just try to fit in like a regular person, to hold everyday conversations and to interact like everybody else (it seems) is able to.
Hidden truth
Depression, in a sense, makes you a liar. It turns an ordinary enquiry like ‘How are you doing?’ into another need to dissemble. Far easier to say, ‘Good thanks!’ rather than ’Well, it’s been another day plagued with doubt and insecurity and thinking about ways to end myself without enduring the guilt of what it might mean to my family if I followed through with it.’
OK, so we rarely, if ever, give an honest answer to that question – we all have pressures and worries, and can’t be upbeat all the time. But depression takes all the joy out of life save for fleeting precious moments that are few and far between. My default disposition isn’t the kind of matter-of-fact calm that people around me seem to exhibit. At least that’s’ what I always assume, but who knows how many of them are carrying a cross of their own – depression is a largely hidden affliction.
Meds
And so, I take pills every night that are called SSRIs or Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (no, I don’t know what it means either!). These take the edge off the worst feelings of darkness and anxiety, but kind of blunt things at both ends – for the most part, I don’t get really happy, and I don’t get really sad. I just exist emotionally somewhere between the two. It’s dull but mostly uneventful.
I also self-medicate more than I should – which is to say that I drink a bit too much alcohol. It’s just to give myself little breathing spaces to get through things and to let me socialise with people. Otherwise, apart from work, I might not leave the house. But I know it’s not healthy and am trying hard to cut down on my reliance.
Coping
But it’s not all boo-hoo, and poor old me. I am still here after all, which is a victory of sorts. And over the years I have found more healthy ways to help me to cope with the worst ravages of depression.
I’ve pinched Winston Churchill’s euphemism to describe my lows – friends now know not to ask too much if they see me struggling and I tell them that the old ‘black dog’ is visiting. So, it’s useful to have a code of sorts to let people close to you know that things are bad without alienating them and negating their concern. Talking is just what some people need to do, but sometimes it forces introspection that you just can’t cope with when what you need is a little distance.
I also try to exercise more. I’m plainly no athlete, but I do walk a lot and there’s no denying that doing it at a brisk pace for a decent length of time will fire up the old endorphins and create a natural high for a brief period. Any type of exercise will have a similar calming effect – and I suppose that I should add dancing as a particularly good alternative here!
I’ve also found something called CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) to be a great help. There’s more to it than just keeping a journal of your feelings, it’s a habit that you get into around recognising your emotions and what they mean. It’s been shown to be a really effective therapy for people suffering with depression and anxiety, and I never go anywhere without my notebook. Though I don’t feel the need to go along with the full CBT now, I find it still helps to write things down and to crystalise my thoughts – revisiting what I’ve written allows me to be analytical about what I’m really feeling. Plus, writing in a notebook also sends great ‘Leave me alone!’ vibes if you’re in public and don’t want to be bothered.
Staying away from social media has also been good for my peace of mind. I’ve been on most platforms in the past, and both the ‘doom scrolling’ nature of the content and the unfettered and at times vitriolic nature of some interactions aren’t good for positive mental health. It’s subjective I know, but I’d say it’s best to give it all a wide berth if you can and pick up a good book instead.
You’re not alone
These things have helped me and may help you. But despite anything I’ve said here, and however ironic it might sound in an online article, there’s no substitute for proper professional advice. So don’t trust everything you read online.
If you do feel depressed, get help from your GP, and more than that, get a referral for talking therapy before they reach for the prescription pad. Medication is a blessing and a curse. It can be the very thing you need to get you through a bad episode, but it’s not without its side effects. And some SSRIs have unpleasant symptoms if you try to come off them too quickly – I’ve been there and got the tear-stained t-shirt.
So, this all spilled out almost in one sitting when trying to write something for World Mental Health Day. I don’t want sympathy or hugs. I just want people to know that there are people out there fighting a battle that goes for the most part unseen – perhaps only revealed in glimpses – and that it’s far more common than you think. I’ve opened up about my depression on a few occasions in the past, only to find that others around me have suddenly fessed up to being on the same meds for the same ailment, and that we’d all been keeping it to ourselves.
If you are suffering from depression, try to take some consolation in the knowledge that you are not alone in what you are going through and that it’s not your fault. Don’t be afraid to open up to others when it all gets too much. You’ll find that people are more sympathetic than you think, and you may just find a kindred soul who needs to open up as well. That lens will clear and there really are more things that make life worth living than it often seems. Find what works for you and, please, hang on in there.
If you need help
These organisations are there for you if you need to talk to someone: