Stuck not Broken

RAD Chief Executive, Tim Arthur, with words of advice on coping with depression, anxiousness, and feeling overwhelmed.

‘His name’s Albert, Albert Hall.’

‘You’re kidding, right?’

‘No, that’s actually his name. He’s the best psychotherapist I’ve ever met.’

In my early 20s, I went through a very dramatic breakdown. With very little understanding of the processes behind my own mental wellbeing and little awareness of the emotional stresses I was under, I found myself unable to cope. In a desperate state, I reached out to everyone I could think of from friends and family to my GP. It was my oldest school friend who connected me with Albert, the man who would introduce me to the inner landscapes of my own psyche, the man who would give me a lifetime’s worth of tools and techniques that would help calm the tempests inside me. The person who I owe for setting me on my pathway to becoming a psychotherapist myself.

‘The problem with you, Tim, is that you’re like an oak.’ He said during one of our early sessions. ‘Oaks are big and strong, dependable, solid. However, when a large enough storm comes along. They blow over. Their very strength becomes their weakness. What I’d like to do is to work with you to transform you into a willow. No matter how strong the winds are a willow will flex and bend, buffeted but never broken, always returning to its beautiful shape as soon as the storm subsides.’

It took me many months and possibly years to integrate and come to terms with the traumatic experience I’d gone through. With Albert’s help and guidance, I began to rebuild myself. I looked at the childhood strategies I’d developed to keep myself safe and secure and slowly started to find compassionate ways of examining whether or not they were serving me or holding me back. Albert helped to separate my problems from my person and by that I mean for a time I would have totally identified myself with my mental health conditions. ‘I’m an anxious, depressed person.’ As opposed to ‘I’m a person who at this time, due to a multiplicity of reasons has anxiety and depression.’ This single understanding gave me the chink of light I needed to move forward. My anxiety and depression were not who I was, rather they were the products or outcomes of circumstances, events and relationships that had helped shape my entire life. I was not my illness.

There’s a psychotherapy podcast I love which is called ‘Stuck Not Broken’. And that is a phrase that I often hold onto when I’m struggling or if I’m working with a client who is having a tough time. When we look at our own mental wellbeing or that of others it’s easy to jump to a conclusion which says ‘I’m broken’.

I’m not coping as well as other people.

I’m overwhelmed all the time, what’s wrong with me?

I feel utterly lost and can’t imagine how this will ever stop.

I’m not strong enough.

I’m not good enough.

I’m stupid.

I’m letting everyone down.

I don’t belong.

I’m unlovable.

I have said all these phrases to myself, a lot over the years. I’ve spiralled down rabbit holes of self-loathing and doubt. But I now have a far greater understanding of where those narratives come from and can – on a good day – sit with those feelings, not be overwhelmed by them and find some sense of compassion for myself.

Eric Berne, the founder of the school of psychotherapy called Transactional Analysis talked a lot about the nature of ‘Okay-ness.’ Are we okay with who we are? Are we okay with everyone else? Those two questions are in many ways the very essence of mental wellbeing. We are most able to flourish as individuals when we’re able to go into the world thinking ‘I’m Ok, You’re Ok’. It’s such a simple phrase but for some people, it can feel like an almost impossible goal. The truth is we are all Ok. Fundamentally, we are all valuable, worthwhile, beautiful, unique, and important people who are lovable and capable of being loved. However, sometimes it can feel impossible to feel like that, sometimes our ‘stuckness’ can feel like it takes us over. At times like that, it’s important to reach out. It’s important to be able to ask others for help. It’s important to understand that allowing others to see your vulnerability is a strength not a sign of weakness.

I imagine some of you will find what I’ve written to be all too familiar. But don’t just try to muddle through and cope on your own. Here at the RAD, it’s important that we play our part by raising awareness, recognising that people around us may be feeling this way, and making sure that we are there for each other.

We have a lot of work to do to create a culture that allows everyone to feel safe enough to flourish and to be vulnerable, but I will continue to do all I can to make this a place where that’s possible.

At times we might be stuck, but with the understanding of those around us, we needn’t be broken.